


What happened?

by ellesficta



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Break Up, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, Family, Family Drama, Fights, Friendship, Happy Ending, Married Couple, One Shot, Postpartum Depression, References to Depression, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Short One Shot, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 06:32:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16192013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellesficta/pseuds/ellesficta
Summary: After their baby is born Clarke and Lexa stop talking and getting along. Lexa is left to care for Madi while Clarke is gone all the time and comes home late. When Clarke is home she won't help take care of their baby and hardly acknowledges the fact they have a baby.





	What happened?

**Author's Note:**

> If any of the tags bother you then please don't read. There is anxiety and depression related things but it ends happy!
> 
> -L- is Lexa's perspective
> 
> -C- is Clarke's
> 
> -B- is where I switched back and forth.
> 
> (Sorry for any mistakes!)

-L-

 

Lexa rocked back and forth for what seemed like hours. She sighed and picked her phone up. It had been two hours of rocking and coddling and begging to go to sleep. Two hours of waiting for Clarke to come walking through the front door of their house. Two hours of thinking about the infinite ways to tell Clarke to just go fuck herself. Not literally.

Lexa had about had her fill of Clarke's recent attitude. Their daughter was six weeks old now, and Clarke had probably spent a total of fifteen hours with her, not including carrying her for nine months. It seemed the moment Madi was born, Clarke was disengaged. At first she blamed it on her exhaustion, she had just spent hours giving birth. But after a week Clarke would barely look at her, left alone hold, change, or feed her. She spent most of her time, when she was actually at home, sleeping, reading, working, or mindlessly roaming the house.

Clarke was given six weeks of maternity leave and they even said they'd give her two extra weeks. She went back to work last week, after only five weeks. It wasn't like much had changed though, Clarke never helped anyway, so she might as well be making money and staying out of Lexa's way.

Three days ago, Lexa thought Clarke was making a turn. She came home in a good mood, even kissed Lexa. She went in to the nursery and picked up Madi and held her, inevitably waking her up. Lexa was mad at first but she was so happy to see Clarke actually interacting with their baby that she pushed the thought away. She fed her changed her diaper and even tried to put her to sleep, after an hour she passed her off to Lexa and said she was tired.

Lexa figured she could deal with it, it wasn't going to get better all in one day so she put Madi to sleep. The next day, Clarke stayed late again, came home only to take a shower and ignore that Madi was crying for twenty minutes. She finally hunted Lexa down and told her to please take care of it.

_ Take care if it. _ Fuck off.

Lexa had enough. They had been so excited to have a baby, start a family. Clarke knew what it would take, she knew it would have long nights and early mornings. They talked about how excited they were to watch their baby grow, learn how to crawl, walk, run, go to school. But it was like as soon as she was born it was all gone. Lexa wasn't about to raise their baby in a house with a parent who didn't even want to be involved. She didn't know what to do, she didn't want to leave Clarke, but Madi shouldn't grow up around a parent who acts like she doesn't exist.

Lexa heard her phone vibrate on the side table and quickly grabbed it. She looked at the contact. Raven. Finally.

“Hey, just a second.”

Lexa carefully stood up, rocking Madi and laid her in her crib, waiting a moment to make sure she stayed asleep. After Madi stopped squirming and relaxed, Lexa grabbed the baby monitor and walked out of the room and into the living room.

“Okay, I'm back sorry.”

“I figured she'd have been asleep.”

“Oh she had just fallen asleep I was putting her in the crib.”

“How're you doing?” Octavia asked over the phone.

“Um good, I'm fine.”

“Liar.” Anya said.

They planned this call out, well actually Raven planned it.

“Is Clarke home?”

“No, its only seven at night, why would she be home?”

It was silent and Lexa had to remind herself these were her best friends she was talking to. Well, except Anya who was Lexa's best friend.

“Sorry, sorry. Anyway, did she say anything to you guys.”

“No, she barely acknowledged the fact she has a baby. Every time we asked she just shrugged or changed the subject.”

Lexa was holding herself back from screaming. She was so done.

“Lexa, we talked, and we think you need to stop being so nice. Let her know if this continues you're done. You're leaving.”

“I don't want to leave her. Not again.”

Lexa's anger had quickly turned to sadness as she remembered the first time she ran away, left Clarke standing alone and crying. She promised she would never do it again but she also never thought it would come to this. It took so long for them to get back to where they were, and even further.

“It's not fair to Madi. Last time you both barely had responsibilities, you were in college, all you had to worry about was passing. This is different.”

She knew Anya was right, but it didn't make it any easier to think about.

“Okay, I don't know what to do though.”

“Just have a talk with her, sit her down, or go outside, just talk, ask her what's wrong, tell her why you're upset,” Octavia explained.

“Oh, I'm not upset.”

“Okay, tell her why you're fucking pissed,” Raven added.

“Okay, okay…. okay.”

Just the thought of confronting Clarke made her heart start pounding and her breath shorten. She never liked being mad at Clarke, especially confronting her about the situation. She actually didn't like confrontation much at all, although she was always able to push her worry away and seem bold and in control.

“Lexa,” it was Anya's calm voice this time, “just calm down, take some deep breaths. You have good reason to be upset and you don't need to be scared to confront her.”

Lexa nodded even though she knew they couldn't see her. She took some deep breaths and worked to get herself together.

“Okay, I'm fine.”

“Hell yeah you are!” Raven said and it make Lexa smile.

“Love you Reyes.”

“Okay, we're gonna go, if things go south call us okay?”

“Okay, thanks guys.”

“No matter what happens we'll help you Lexa, we love you,” it was Octavia speaking again and again, Lexa felt herself smiling.

“Bye.”

“Okay, I'll call you guys later, bye.”

Lexa hung up and paced around the living room, looking out the window every couple minutes. When that action became too monotonous she walked back to the nursery, still asleep, that was good. Sure, Lexa could've checked the monitor but she had nothing else to do. She tried to read, watch TV, but her stomach was rolling, like a herd of butterflies. Anxious butterflies. Her stomach did this when she was nervous or anxious, or both. Her heart would start pounding and then calm down before suddenly remembering what was about to transpire when Clarke, the love of her life, would walk through that door.

She walked into the kitchen and made tea, but it only reminded her more of Clarke. The action calmed her, even if she was thinking about the woman who had her so angry and anxious right now. Clarke caught onto Lexa's anxiety quickly when they started hanging out, before they even started dating. The first time Lexa had one of her moments Clarke just hugged her and played with her hair, talking to her about random things until she calmed down. Even though Lexa couldn't recall most of the things Clarke had said she felt like it helped.

The blonde dragged her to the store soon after that and bought her snacks and grabbed a box of tea. Lexa didn't think anything about it at the time, not until days later when she started feeling anxious and instead if hugging her like last time, Clarke rushed off and came back a moment later coming back with a cup. She handed her the cup before climbing up next to her and hugging her again. Lexa still remembered so clearly how Clarke urged her to drink.

_ “Lexa, drink it.” _

_ “What is- is it?” _

_ “Tea, now drink.” _

_ Clarke lifted the bottom of the cup and Lexa took a sip. _

_ “Oh, it's so good.” _

_ “Yeah I know.” _

_ Clarke smiled and Lexa felt the corner of her mouth turn up in a small smile. She finished her tea quickly, feeling herself calm down much faster than normal. Lexa set the cup down and leaned her head on Clarke's who's was resting on her shoulder. _

_ “Thank you, I feel better.” _

_ Lexa said that, almost as if letting Clarke she no longer had to hug and cuddle Lexa, but Clarke didn't move. At least not immediately. _

_ “Lexa?” _

_ “Hm?” _

_ Clarke pulled away, causing Lexa to lift her head. She turned to look at the blonde to see she was already staring back at her, into those blue eyes. She was so lost in thinking about how they were so impossibly bright they were she didn't realize Clarke was about to kiss her until Clarke's lips were grazing hers. She wasted no time in crashing her lips into Clarke's, feeling the soft of the blonde's lips against her own. _

Needless to say, Lexa fell for Clarke, and she fell damn hard. Lexa had been so lost in thought she didn't realize she was smiling and still stirring her tea. The smile faded quickly and she picked up her cup, turning to lean against the counter and sipped at it. While it didn't completely calm her, she expected it wouldn't. Just like it didn't when she left Clarke and she determined that without Clarke, the tea didn't have the same effect.

She checked her phone again. Eight pm and a message from Clarke. Lexa rolled her eyes and opened it.

**7:58pm Clarke: Gonna be late, sorry.**

_ You already are late. _

Lexa's anger returned and she felt herself becoming exhausted by the change in mood so often. Or maybe it was that she hadn't been to sleep since five o'clock this morning. Normally, five to eight wouldn't leave her exhausted but it seemed that caring for a cranky newborn really just sucked every ounce of energy.

_ I'll just talk to her tomorrow. _

The thought kept crossing Lexa's mind and she debated with herself before deciding she was not going to do that today. She wasn't going to to put it off any longer and she found herself thinking back to the worst decision she ever made.

_ “Lexa! Please! Don't leave!” _

_ Lexa stopped in her tracks. Clarke wasn't one to beg, or even ask for anything and it hit Lexa directly in her heart. It made her rethink her decision, for the hundredth time. Clarke took advantage of Lexa's stillness and caught up to her. She tried to grab Lexa's wrist but Lexa pulled away. The blonde walked in front of Lexa but Lexa refused to make eye contact. _

_ “Lexa, look at me!” _

_ Lexa started to look up but quickly diverted her eyes to the side. She couldn't look, she couldn't, she'd change her mind and stay. She'd stay and hurt Clarke even more. _

_ “Lexa!” _

_ Lexa was startled at that, Clarke had been yelling, but she screamed this time. Lexa definitely couldn't look up now, she couldn't let Clarke see the tears running down her face. It was raining, sprinkling actually and Clarke would've been able to tell the tears from the rain. _

_ “Lexa! I swear to God, if you don't fucking look at me…” _

_ There was no threat, Clarke knew she couldn't threaten someone who was trying to leave her. It was more of a plead than anything. Lexa didn't say anything as she walked around Clarke and finally looked up, Clarke could only see her back now. And Lexa let the tears fall, on the whole walk, not a moment passed without Lexa thinking she was going to have a heart attack. She showed up at Anya's door, soaking wet and barely breathing. _

_ “Lexa what the hell!?” _

_ Anya dragged her inside and wrapped her up. She closed her eyes as Anya wrapped her arms around Lexa and the tears started falling again. She felt another set of arms around her and looked over to see Raven hugging her. It came as a shock as Raven was the one she'd shared everything with, along with Anya. But where Anya didn't know what to say, Raven spent hours comforting her and talking her out of it, always ending the conversation with, “it's your choice of course.” _

_ When Lexa and Clarke started dating Lexa got the same “hurt my best friend and I'll kill you” from Raven as Clarke got from Anya. But Raven was a softie, and as hard as it would be, Lexa knew Raven would be there for both of them, which only made Lexa feel more guilty. _

 

_ -C- _

 

Clarke sat at the table in the back of the bar, paperwork spread in front of her. Despite being in a bar she only drank water, she didn't need to go home with alcohol on her breath and give Lexa another reason to glare at her. It was one thing Lexa never failed to accomplish. Lexa hated confrontation, Clarke was well aware of that, but to make up for it she could glare and be so passive aggressive it could make you want to scream, but Clarke guessed that was the point.

She looked at the time, almost eight pm, she needed to leave. She willed herself to get up but her body didn't listen, it stayed exactly where it was and Clarke sighed.

_ Just one more hour. One more hour before I return to hell. _

It hadn't always been like this. Going home to Lexa used to be exciting, she could barely wait to get home, just to be around her wife. She tried to be happy, tried to be excited, but it was helpless.

Clarke had spent could hours trying to figure out where it went wrong, at what point did she stop enjoying being around Lexa? Or anyone for that matter. At what point did she stop enjoying work? Or doing anything. She tried reading, painting, just sleeping her days away. She felt empty, useless. She never remembered feeling like this, ever, and it was so much to deal with, considering her lack of emotions.

Clarke tried to busy herself for a little longer but found herself doodling. She looked at the baby to see Lexa sitting in the rocking chair with a baby. Clarke crumpled up the paper and threw it in the opposite seat. She couldn't focus, there was no use, as always. She let the pen fall from her hand, leaned back into the booth seat, and closed her eyes. She wasn't tired, she closed her eyes to listen to the noise around her. People chattering, laughing, friendly arguing over what she was guessing was the dart board. She heard the clack of sticks hitting pool balls, the clank of glasses and shuffle of people walking around.

“You okay?”

Clarke opened her eyes to see Raven standing over her, smiling. Something Clarke wasn't sure she was capable of anymore, she didn't even attempt to smile. At least, not anymore.

“Sure,” she said, not meaning for it to come out as harsh as it did.

Raven slid into the booth seat across from her and rested her arms on the table, looking around.

“Glad to see you're keeping it alcohol free.”

Clarke rolled her eyes so hard she was surprised they didn't get stuck in the back of her head.

“Yeah, one less thing for Lexa to bitch about.”

Clarke was aware of the fact Lexa and Raven were almost as close as herself and Raven, probably even more so now.

“You need to go home.”

“Why?”

“You're on the brink of an extremely bad decision. Just go home, sleep it off.”

Clarke didn't say anything, something she found herself doing a lot. Not talking, to anyone. It was simply easier than trying to hold up a conversation or argue.

“Clarke. Go. Home. Or I will drag you there by the scruff of your neck.”

“Fuck off.”

Raven kicked her shin, hard. And Clarke pulled her leg up to rub it under the table.

“Ow, Jesus that wasn't necessary.”

“Neither was you're quip. What's wrong Clarke?”

Clarke was about to answer when she scoffed and shook her head. How was she supposed to tell Raven if she didn't know either. Clarke started grabbing her papers and putting them away.

“We're here for you, me Octavia, Anya…”

“No you're here for Lexa, it's always about Lexa. Even when  _ she _ was the one to leave  _ me!” _

“Hey! I was there for you more than her! I left her, crying in Anya's arms to go find you! It's not my fault you disappeared for days, we thought you were dead.”

“Well clearly I'm not,” Clarke said under her breath while shoving more papers into her bag.

Clarke knew this was not where the conversation had meant to go, and she could tell Raven was trying to redirect it, her voice softening.

“Clarke, you can talk to me. You know you can.”

“I know.”

“Clarke we're worried.”

“Not until Lexa started telling you stuff, you guys didn't even notice, I've been fighting through every day and no one even batted an eye. Except, Lexa, who doesn't let me forget what a shitty person I am.”

“She's not trying to, just  _ talk _ to her. You guys need to fucking  _ talk _ ! Remember last time you two didn't talk?”

“Yes Raven, I remember it, like it was yesterday.”

They both stood up and Raven hugged her. She pulled away holding onto Clarke's shoulders and staring her dead in the eyes.

“Then you better think about it on your way home. I love you Clarke Griffin but get your shit together.”

Raven left Clarke standing there in shock.

_ Get your shit together _ . Fuck off.

Clarke walked out the door and down the sidewalk. She didn't want to think about what Raven told her too but she found herself thinking about it anyway. Lexa was scared, Clarke could tell. Her attacks increased and we're harder to get under control, she distanced herself. Slowly at first but then all at once, just the way she'd fallen for Lexa.

_ “Lexa, what's wrong?” _

_ Clarke was holding Lexa who was sipping on her second cup of tea. She wouldn't talk or even hardly look at Clarke. _

_ “Lexa,” nothing. _

_ “Lexa,” nothing. _

_ Clarke raised her voice, not yelling but enough to get her attention. _

_ “Lexa!” _

_ “Huh? What?” _

_ Clarke finally had her attention and she used a hand to gently hold Lexa's jaw. _

_ “What's wrong?” _

_ Clarke saw, she watched Lexa's eyes harden at the question as if she was remembering exactly why she was upset. _

_ “Lexa, just talk, say something.” _

_ Lexa set the cup down and looked at Clarke. _

_ “I can't do this.” _

_ “Do what?” _

_ Lexa was getting up despite Clarke pulling on her trying to get her to stop. _

_ “Lexa!” _

_ Clarke stood up and followed her as she looked for her keys. Clarke spotted them first and grabbed them. The noise made Lexa turn around, her eyes showing no signs of the Lexa she knew. _

_ “Give them to me.” _

_ “No, talk to me, please.” _

_ “Clarke please.” _

_ “Talk to me!” _

_ Clarke was yelling and it made Lexa jump. She felt bad, she wanted to hug her but Lexa just walked out. Just walked out the door into the rain. Clarke threw the keys down and followed after her. She was already far enough away Clarke had to yell for her to hear. _

_ “Lexa! Please! Don't leave!” _

_ It seemed to have been enough to make her stop and Clarke ran up behind her. She tried to grab her wrist but Lexa pulled away so she decided to just walk in front of her. _

_ “Lexa, look at me!” _

_ Finally it worked, Lexa was looking up but quickly looked away. Clarke was furious now. _

_ “Lexa!” _

_ She screamed it and saw Lexa tense, she didn't care, she just wanted to see her green eyes. To try and understand what was happening. _

_ “Lexa! I swear to God, if you don't fucking look at me…” _

_ Clarke didn't have a threat. She couldn't leave Lexa cause that's exactly what Lexa was trying to do. She realized it wasn't a threat, she was just begging now. Begging for Lexa to stay and not give up. It didn't work, Lexa walked around her and just kept walking. Clarke turned but all she could see was Lexa's back as she became smaller and smaller the further away she got. Clarke stood there long after she could no longer see Lexa before going back inside. _

_ She packed her bags and left. She just left. She drove around, staying in hotels and just enjoyed her time away from people. After a few days she went home to find her house exactly the same, not that she was expecting much else. She showed up for class the next morning to find Lexa sitting in the exact same spot. Lexa's eyes caught her and Clarke swore she saw them light up, just a little, before looking away. _

Clarke was at the front door, nearly in tears. They weren't talking, the same thing was going to happen and Lexa would leave with Madi, probably never come back though. She wiped her eyes and took deep breaths, getting herself under control as she walked through the door.

 

-B-

 

Clarke turned the door knob slowly and as soon as the door was cracked open she could smell the tea. Lexa was still awake. She sighed and continued in slowly and quietly. She saw Lexa in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, holding the cup in both hands. She was staring at the floor but Clarke knew that Lexa heard her come in.

Lexa heard the door opening but didn't move her eyes away. She hadn't even said a word, or looked at Clarke, and she felt out of breath. She wasn't sure if she could go through with it.

“Lexa…”

Lexa was shocked to hear the calmness in Clarke's voice. She was surprised to hear Clarke's voice at all. She looked up to see Clarke standing a few feet in front of her.

Clarke felt as if everything was happening in slow motion, Lexa lifted her head slowly and she could see that Lexa was upset. More so today than usual, but she didn't say anything, just tried to avoid eye contact which was typical of Lexa when she was nervous.

“Lexa, are you okay?”

Lexa scoffed and Clarke was ready for whatever she had worked up the courage to say. She braced herself but Lexa only turned to the sink and rinsed her cup out. She set it in the strainer and turned back to Clarke.

People often misjudge silent people, or the quiet ones. The quiet ones, the ones who keep everything under control, are the ones who, when they have had enough, break so easily and so harshly. Clarke knew that about Lexa, and she knew it was close.

“No, I'm not. But you wouldn't care.”

“Yes I do-”

“No! You don't!”

Lexa paused but Clarke didn't say anything, knew there was more coming.

“If you don't love us anymore just tell me so I can leave,” she paused before adding, “ _ with _ Madi.”

“What? I do love you, and Madi!”

“You don't act like it.”

“Lexa I-”

Clarke couldn't continue, she didn't know what to say to make it better.

“Clarke, just talk to me.”

“You're the one telling me to talk? Lexa you left cause you wouldn't just talk to me.”

“I know! But I'm here now, talking, trying to fix whatever's happened!”

Clarke felt tears building up and she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so many emotions at once.

_ What is wrong with me!? _

She wiped them away but it didn't go unnoticed by Lexa who stepped forward but stopped. She didn't reach out, just waited.

“Lexa I don't know what's wrong. And i can't fix it if I don't know!”

Clarke's voice was cracking and it took everything Lexa had not to reach out and comfort her.

_ Not yet. _

“Just talk to me, tell me what's going on. I want to know why you're so distant. You leave me to do everything,  _ everything _ . And it's fucking hard. I knew it would be hard and so did you but we were going to do it together. Now you're always gone and I'm just tired Clarke.”

“I'm sorry Lexa…”

“Just talk to me! Please!”

Clarke took a deep breath, and thought about what to say.

“I've never felt like this before.”

“Like what?”

“Useless, empty, I'm alive but I feel dead.”

Clarke was looking at the floor which didn't help keep the tears from falling. Lexa still wasn't saying anything so Clarke tried to explain.

“I don't know! I was so happy, so excited, then it was gone. I'm uncomfortable all the time, I don't enjoy anything anymore and i don't like her!”

Clarke didn't mean to add the last part and she regretted it immediately. Lexa was going to be so mad.

“What do you mean  _ you don't like her _ ?”

“Exactly that!” Clarke said finally looking up, “I love her but i don't want to be around her, i don't even want to look at her, everything she does makes me mad, and i don't understand why.”

Lexa finally,  _ finally _ , grabbed Clarke's hand. She felt herself let out a breath as Lexa pulled her into a hug. She hadn't hugged Lexa in weeks and it felt good to finally have something to hang on to.

Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke and even through her clothes she felt smaller, weaker. The realization hit Lexa so hard she started crying. All this time she was blaming Clarke, she was too busy focusing on her anger that she didn't realize Clarke was suffering. Lexa pulled away but still held onto her.

“You should stay home from work tomorrow, we'll go to the doctor, see what we can do to fix this. To help you.”

Lexa was crying despite her trying not to.

“I didn't even- I was so mad I didn't even see you were suffering.”

Clarke knew she didn't see it, no one did. And in that moment she wished she would've been able to talk about it sooner, for someone to notice sooner, cause this feeling was almost unbearable. Clarke was crying again and Lexa pulled her back into a hug.

“What's wrong with me?”

“Nothing.”

Lexa let her cry and then led her into their room. They laid down and for the first time in weeks they laid together and Clarke let Lexa cuddle her as they drifted to sleep and she finally thought they could fix this.

Clarke fell asleep, cuddled against Lexa and she felt like she could breathe again. Like she had a purpose, a will to try harder. It was like a light at the end of the tunnel, a very small light but a light all the same.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a pretty random spur of the moment fic but I hope you liked it.


End file.
